THE FUCKS TO BE GIVEN
Since I can remember I’ve always asked myself “why”. But not just “why” for the sake of knowing something or curiosity, no, I asked why because I have never been able to comprehend the stupidity of people, why they do what they do, how they can go through life without awareness, why they don’t see that what they do either bothers others, or will get them hurt. I don’t know “why”, but this way of thinking has always been there, the need to focus on things, the need to think 1, 2, and 3 steps ahead and see how something will play out. Granted, I am as guilty as anyone for doing the stupid things, for sure, but I try as much as I can not to be that person.
And now factor in the training I’ve had, and years of experience doing things that are either dangerous, or require a level of attention to details that will exacerbate my natural tendency to observe the bad things, and you get an explosive combination. I shouldn’t give a fuck, but I do. I drives me crazy when things happen because people didn’t care for what’s around them, or simply live theirs lives oblivious to the fact that they are not the only fucking living thing in the world, and they should stop doing what they do and go home.
It’s hard not to get angry sometimes. Especially when going to large cities, where you have a lot of them clustered together in one place.
I wish I didn’t give a fuck, but I do. I do because I care. Maybe I shouldn’t care… But sometimes this care makes life better, not just for me, but for those around me, family and friends. It certainly has saved a few lives in the past. But, then again, caring so much for this can, and often does, makes life more difficult.
I’m learning that it’s all about the fucks you give, and how and when you give them.
I can’t help this, I can’t stop paying attention to the details, it’s part of who I am. It is in my nature to observe something and see each component, and see how those things can break. I get angry with myself when I fail to do it, and I end up being the idiot that fails to pay attention. I truly get angry with myself, after something that I should have payed attention to, analyzed it and seen that it would have affected the outcome negatively, and I didn’t to it, or I didn’t do it well enough.
Again, I’m learning to selectively give a fuck. It is hard work though…
Sometimes I wonder whether this way of looking at things will end up making me one of those old people that live away from everyone. I hope not. What I do know, is that the more I try to show this to people, the angrier I get because most of the time they don’t get it, or they don’t care, which infuriates me even more.
I’m working on this, and in the last few months I have found a few things that I’ve tried, work, and it’s good. Sometimes it’s liberating to be able to selectively give a fuck. And I’m more and more getting in the mindset that I don’t give a fuck, and if people want to be (or are) stupid, well that’s that and it shouldn’t affect me.
To quote Patrick Rhone:
But then, when it directly affects me, I’m back in the beginning, having to go through the motions, because I failed to see where something was leading to…
Ah… Sometimes it’s good to stop and just yell at those stupid people. Most often it’s not, but sometimes, well, giving a fuck makes life better, so use those fucks wisely. That’s what I’m striving to do. That’s what I’m wholeheartedly wish I could do better.
I’ll leave this post with a quote from ThunderPuff: